Friday, June 17, 2011

Let's get personal. Listen to me whine.

So if you're here to read a fun blog entry with a haul and pretty pictures, please stay tuned because I'll probably be posting one tomorrow~ But for right now, I have a lot of things on my mind and apparently am unable to sleep so here is my attempt at sorting through my thoughts. (Sorry if it sounds emo, I'm really bad at expressing my thoughts -.-) Seriously, no one has to read this. But if you have nothing else to do, or can't sleep like me, then eh, go ahead.

I've been having quite a few of problems physically lately and because of this my moods have gone up and down- currently its in between okay and down. Lets just start off with a few rants about my problems, shall we?

My jaw has been a problem for me since freshman year of high school when it started making this weird popping noise. It wasn't as bad then, but if I chewed a lot it would lock up and I'd be unable to open my mouth. But it seemed to go away as time went on but gradually the popping sound got worse, louder, harder; until now when I open my mouth I can open it half way until I shift it to the right a little to get that pop and then fully open it. Basically, it takes two steps to open my mouth all the way. Didn't think it was much of a problem until my mom forced me to go to the dentist and have it checked. Turns out, its worse than I thought. The dentist kept saying that since I didn't go see any professionals about this before, it is now a "severe" case and that I would have to get surgery to fix it. Of course I was like well since I've already lived 5 years without anything bad happening, do I really need to fix it? But he urged me and said that if I didn't take care of this problem now it could get worse one day. Bleh! So now we have to go find a doctor who can do that, which wouldn't be a problem if Thailand wasn't so underdeveloped because apparently, there's only ONE hospital with the right equipment. Wtff and we could do it back in America, but it would be so much more expensive right? Yeah idek but this has been stressing me out because even though they say it won't be that bad, I've never had surgery before! I'm scared as shit! -.-;

Next- I've been doing physical therapy on my shoulder for 2 hours a week pretty much since I got here, for my shoulder. Since god knows how long, my shoulder has been aching and making a furious amount of popping sounds.  Seriously old news if you know me, but still, we've been a "let's fix me!" frenzy, so my mom thought I should try this too.  At first we didn't know how to solve this problem because every time we would go to the doctor they'd just be like yeah idk what to do about it. Real professional, guys. So then my mom talked to her friend about how she also had some problem with her shoulder and the doctors couldn't do anything about it, but then she found this person who did some physical therapy sort of thing on it and it was gone within like a month! Voila! So of course my mom made me try and the lady says that she will be able to fix my shoulder. Yippee! Right? But alas, no. Every week I sit there for 2 hours as she painfully rubs at my shoulder, my arm, my neck, saying that it was because my body was strained, it was causing my shoulder to pop. What sounded like a relaxing massage turned out to be her digging into me with her hands, rubbing away! It seriously hurt! And the crappiest part- 4 weeks in she tells me that I probably will never be able to get rid of the popping. The therapy only helped heal  but my shoulder would never be the way it was before. Like what bullshit is this?! You tell me this now?! It feels the exact same way it did before you started, so what did I have to sit through that for? Ugh seriously. This stresses me out.

Last big thing. Fcking. Acne. I don't usually have big problems with acne, but I think its because of the stress (from above) and the not sleeping well, and the fckin dirty ass air here in this country, my acne as taken a turn for the worse. And like a dumbass I use expensive proactive when it doesn't do shit anymore, so I've had to see yep! Doctors.  Just to keep it short, the medicine they give me also, doesn't do shit. Like ugh. Having acne makes me stressed, which in turn causes me to have yes, even more acne! LIKE A VICIOUS CYLE. And with this fcking doctor, I can't even wear makeup or anything to help lessen the appearance of my acne because its part of the "treatment process". Well guess what, its still not going away with or without my makeup so why can't I just use it?! Ch well fff, I'm wearing powder at least.

Dammit it's summer. Why can't I just seem to relax?

And then of course, because of these stupid problems I'm stressing out a lot and then having emotional, mental problems. I can't seem to stop thinking about things, and then I get headaches, and I can't seem to go to sleep. God my brain... it's seriously killing me.

Its like, when I go to sleep yeah, I close my eyes and yeah I'm kind of sleeping but I feel like I can still hear everything around me and I'm still thinking about things and its not like I'm truly asleep, you know? Ever had that feeling? Yeah well, it sucks. Probably doesn't help that I'm blogging instead of closing my eyes and trying to sleep but oh yeah- I thought whining my ass off online would help.

Another thing. I've been concerned awfully a lot with my looks lately. Like wtf has gotten into me. I know I was obsessed before but its seriously gone into overdrive now that I'm alone most of the time and have time to look at myself clearly and all I do is criticize.  Here are just a few things that I do not like about myself: fat, wide face, chubby cheeks, uneven eyes, acne, flat nose, crooked lips, ugly eyebrows, dark skin. And probably I could go on forever with this list, but these are the main complaints. I hate that I can't be happy with myself, but when I try to just let go it just comes back to haunt me and I end up hating myself even more. So basically, I give up on the whole "love yourself for who you are" and am going for- if you don't like something, fix it. Number one priority: weight! I need to get rid of all this fat! Seriously I think that if I lost weight I'd be a little happier (and probably healthier -.-) so that is my number one priority. But of course being the hypocritical lazy ass that I am,  I haven't done anything to push myself towards this goal. Damn.

So I am truly, truly sorry if anyone read all of this. And sorry about the rudeness, and yeah sorry sorry sorry (-starts singing Super Junior-) yeah I'm a dork xD But seriously, I just need somewhere to complain and this happened to be only place I thought I could. Man do I complain a lot. LOL.

And seriously, I did more shopping so wait for my next post which will be happier and filled with pretty stuffs! :)

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